Truth and Decency...a post from my friend Deb...
Truth and Decency, that's a global term isn't it? Could be used in many situations, referring to hundreds of facts.... it's perception that muddles the mind. So truth is in itself at times an oxymoron and decency is often a matter of opinion. As long as I am an honest person and admit my faults then I am also a decent person.....
Truth has so many faults and detractors. There is the tiny white lie, which is not a lie at all, supposedly. When in fact, even the smallest of lies can be dangerous to your soul, I discovered this hard fact in the most ugly fashion.
As a teenager I lived on lies and petty shoplifting. I am not proud of one and quit ashamed of the other. It is so easy to use one lie to cover another, then another… it is so damn difficult to break the cycle of lies once you begin spouting them. At first they seem so harmless, like no one will know, no one will care, no one will catch me. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I can’t remember exactly when the light bulb finally went off in my head…when I finally realized that lying was causing more harm than good. But I do know when I started to lie and why. You see, I come from a very dysfunctional family. My father molested me as a child and used to threaten me to keep me quiet. My mother was a preoccupied woman so in the beginning she noticed nothing. After a time she began to catch on, and she started to ask questions. My father warned me not to tell. He was quiet and vicious. But as a child I didn’t understand his behavior. I didn’t realize he was the devil. So I began with one white lie…..
And the downward spiral began…
Had I known that I was not to blame, that my father was the monster, I could have saved myself so much pain.
Years of suffering, lies, and mental anguish made me a miserable person. I wasn’t capable of getting myself out a deep black hole. I lied about the dumbest things and made up stories to make myself look good. I made bad choices and had a questionable reputation.
Suddenly everything I had lied about and tried so hard to keep under wraps exploded in my face. A person I thought to be a friend went on a trip and was going through my hometown. I asked him to stop by my parents (my mother was now remarried to a wonderful man) and get some of my things and bring them to me where I was now living. This so-called friend may have done me a great favor but at the time I thought he had betrayed me. He told my parents what I was doing for a living.
I was a topless dancer.
After my friend returned with my things, he took great pleasure in telling me what he had done, I knew I was going to need to call my parents and try to explain. Oh how I still remember the feeling of dread as I dialed the phone. My stomach must have weighed a hundred pounds. That was the most difficult conversation of my life and it turned out to be an “ahhh moment”. At the time, I didn’t realize it. It took another 3 years before that moment sunk in and actually started to make sense.
After 3 years away from home, I went home emotionally drained and an irrational mess. My parents nursed me back to health, it took a while. During this time of healing, I started to turn my life around. I wasn’t perfect and I made a few more messes before I finally got the hang of things. But gradually smart choices started to take over and I actually saw the “light”. I realized that I could be a good, decent person again.
I made a vow to myself. To always be honest with myself. To never put myself in a position that I’ll regret, instead keep my goals attainable. Never hide behind the truth, embrace it.
As long as I am an honest person and admit my faults then I am also a decent person.....
Truth has so many faults and detractors. There is the tiny white lie, which is not a lie at all, supposedly. When in fact, even the smallest of lies can be dangerous to your soul, I discovered this hard fact in the most ugly fashion.
As a teenager I lived on lies and petty shoplifting. I am not proud of one and quit ashamed of the other. It is so easy to use one lie to cover another, then another… it is so damn difficult to break the cycle of lies once you begin spouting them. At first they seem so harmless, like no one will know, no one will care, no one will catch me. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I can’t remember exactly when the light bulb finally went off in my head…when I finally realized that lying was causing more harm than good. But I do know when I started to lie and why. You see, I come from a very dysfunctional family. My father molested me as a child and used to threaten me to keep me quiet. My mother was a preoccupied woman so in the beginning she noticed nothing. After a time she began to catch on, and she started to ask questions. My father warned me not to tell. He was quiet and vicious. But as a child I didn’t understand his behavior. I didn’t realize he was the devil. So I began with one white lie…..
And the downward spiral began…
Had I known that I was not to blame, that my father was the monster, I could have saved myself so much pain.
Years of suffering, lies, and mental anguish made me a miserable person. I wasn’t capable of getting myself out a deep black hole. I lied about the dumbest things and made up stories to make myself look good. I made bad choices and had a questionable reputation.
Suddenly everything I had lied about and tried so hard to keep under wraps exploded in my face. A person I thought to be a friend went on a trip and was going through my hometown. I asked him to stop by my parents (my mother was now remarried to a wonderful man) and get some of my things and bring them to me where I was now living. This so-called friend may have done me a great favor but at the time I thought he had betrayed me. He told my parents what I was doing for a living.
I was a topless dancer.
After my friend returned with my things, he took great pleasure in telling me what he had done, I knew I was going to need to call my parents and try to explain. Oh how I still remember the feeling of dread as I dialed the phone. My stomach must have weighed a hundred pounds. That was the most difficult conversation of my life and it turned out to be an “ahhh moment”. At the time, I didn’t realize it. It took another 3 years before that moment sunk in and actually started to make sense.
After 3 years away from home, I went home emotionally drained and an irrational mess. My parents nursed me back to health, it took a while. During this time of healing, I started to turn my life around. I wasn’t perfect and I made a few more messes before I finally got the hang of things. But gradually smart choices started to take over and I actually saw the “light”. I realized that I could be a good, decent person again.
I made a vow to myself. To always be honest with myself. To never put myself in a position that I’ll regret, instead keep my goals attainable. Never hide behind the truth, embrace it.
As long as I am an honest person and admit my faults then I am also a decent person.....
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Karen